when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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