I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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