I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
vagina is talking i cant
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
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