the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
