you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
