I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
