I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
