you didnt know i had herpes?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
