I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
