very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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