i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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