i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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