I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
