you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
