I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
