Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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