My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
