a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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