Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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