I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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