I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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