I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
