if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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