I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize