you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
