We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
