I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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