Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize