a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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