who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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