I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
