dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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