i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
