You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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