John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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