You're my little dorito
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize