did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
