There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
