there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
