last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
