i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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