Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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