i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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