Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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