it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
