We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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