when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
