remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
