I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You dont lie about slip and slides
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
