you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Randomize
