saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
did i walk over a car last night?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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