I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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