look no pants
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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