So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
