I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
