So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
