it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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