i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
