She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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