Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
