My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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