when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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