I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
