Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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